Jag var inne på forumet whyeat. Där hittade jag detta. Om du sitter där precis just nu och funderar på att testa göra dig av med ångesten genom att kräkas... Läs då detta först. Jag tyckte att det var väldigt bra skrivet.

"It is because it feels fantastic the first time that it is so addictive. It is like alcoholism and alcohol; drug addiction and the hit; gambling and a win. It is addictive because it feels fantastic. It will feel fantastic for a few months or so. You will eat and then you can throw up and you might lose weight.

Then you will think "well if I can just eat anything, I might as well eat anything." So you do. So instead of purging what you eat, you eat in order to purge. And then you start binging (because you can eat anything, right?) So the intake gets bigger. And your stomach expands. And you eat more.

And then you find yourself planning your next binge, your next purge. And all's well, for a bit, except you don't lose as much weight as you used to. Heck, you might gain if your binges get too big.

And then from once a day? a couple of times a week? your binges will come every day.

And then you lose your gag reflex.

And instead of 1 minute - purge! all the food gone! - you're there for half an hour, an hour, or more, retching but nothing comes up. But all the while, whether you manage to get anything out or not, your potassium levels have dropped off the face of the planet (cardiac arrest, anyone?), your eyes are bloodshot (haemorrhage, anyone?), your cheeks are swollen, your tear ducts are running freely.

If this has gone on for a while, then maybe you'll even have eroded teeth thrown in as an extra, and scars on the back of your knuckles, and blood clots coming out with the purged food (or not, because you've lost your gag reflex now).

But that's okay. You can stop before then, right? You're lucky, right, because this time your stomach didn't rupture leaving you to die from blood loss/shock. You can stop before that stage. You can stop whenever you want. Because you're in control. Right? Right?

Wrong.

You will never be able to stop. By the time you know you're utterly, utterly fucked, it's too late. Because you're utterly, utterly fucked.

Bye bye time management (you're planning your next b/p session, you're eating, you're thinking of eating, perhaps you're trying not to eat); bye bye control (you'll buy anything and everything at the supermarket, you'll be there ages, maybe you'll steal for money to buy food -c.f.: the reference above to alcoholism/drug addiction), perhaps from the people you love most. Perhaps you'll start stealing food off other people, just to get that full feeling. Bye bye school grades/academic degree/career/sense of achievement/ambition.

Hello depression.

And then, you decide to recover! great! stop purging! But now, you still can't stop binging. And you eat. And eat. And eat. But you can't throw up anymore. So skinny you becomes fatty you.

Depression gets worse.

Fatty you, fatty, fatty fatty you and it doesn't stop, it doesn't stop, and instead of an eating disorder that gave you satisfaction - an ED that helped you lose weight and maybe even gave you control and confidence - that control, that confidence, that satisfaction... has been replaced by self-loathing, by failure, by hate hate hate and you no longer feel in control because you can't stop. You won't stop. I promise you, no matter how long it takes, there will come a day that you cannot stop.

Depression gets worse...

And then it's all enough, it's all enough... how to make it all end? The failure that is one who got fat from trying to be thin. How to make it all end?

How to make it all end...."